They can make your sexual desires unpredictable. “If you’re struggling with your brain, that’s going to show up in your sex life, most likely.” Anxiety, depression, and OCD (and the medications used to treat them) can affect your sex drive. “I don’t think we talk enough about how sex and intimacy is not just a physical thing, it’s also very psychological,” she says. This book is the first time she really delves into how her disorders have affected that part of herself. Sex happens in your brain, not just in your body.įor years, despite being on the internet and growing up in the age of oversharing, Raskin never publicly talked about her sex life. Be mindful about the fact that obsessing about your dating life can negatively seep into other relationships. Friends may ultimately feel like they can’t help you. This kind of behavior can make friends feel like you’re not listening to them, or that you don’t like their opinion, or that they have to say a thing a certain way in order to please you. Which is classic rumination, classic reassurance-seeking, but it can be confusing to a friend because they’re like, ‘I already told you my opinion.’” “Overly talking about your relationship can end up being really frustrating to your friends,” Raskin says, “because to them, they’ve said their piece, but then you keep asking about it. Sometimes, the harmful dating behaviors prompted by mental health struggles can be made worse by seeking validation from friends, even if you don't realize it. Raskin’s book isn’t just about dating it’s also about how dating and mental illness can collaborate to erode friendships, too. Your friends are there for you, but don’t abuse the privilege. When Raskin broke up with her fiancé midway through writing her book-and didn’t totally lose it-she knew she’d gained enough wisdom to address this issue. And everyone who’s gone through one knows that they can challenge the equilibrium of even the most mentally stable among us. No matter how well you self-actualize and give yourself compassion, breakups are going to happen. “So it might make sense to be with someone who’s more of a slow burn and is emotionally open with you, but maybe it takes a little more time to figure out your physical chemistry with them … I think you can surprise yourself with what you actually are okay with, and what you’re not okay with.”īreakups are awful, but you will survive them. “Maybe your friend really cares about passion, but you really care about feeling safe,” she says. Raskin says this exercise will help you determine your particular bottom line-which, really, is great advice for anyone regardless of their mental health status. “dealbreakers.” Instead, create a spectrum: “Needs,” “could happily take but not necessary,” “can handle,” “dealbreakers.” We’re not compatible,” says Raskin, as opposed to assuming, “I’m a piece of shit because they don’t like me back.” Raskin suggests writing a list of what you’re looking for in a relationship, and to not just separate the qualities into “must-haves” vs. It’s about realizing, “Oh, this person doesn’t want to be with me in the way I want to be with them. Liking and knowing yourself can also help you realize that you’re simply not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. You’re not compatible with everyone, so stop blaming yourself (and your mental health). (There’s a difference, for instance, between thinking “Why is my partner’s laugh so annoying?” and “I don’t like the way they talk about my family.”) This also necessitates slowing down and listening to the nature of your anxious or obsessive thoughts, and determining whether they’re rational. “If you have a good sense of yourself, it’s easier to date in a more productive way.”ĭiscovering who you are underneath your symptoms allows you to actually like and appreciate yourself and see the value you bring as a partner. “Know what your triggers are, what your vulnerabilities are, what situations bring out your symptoms more than others,” Raskin says. This is easier said than done, but it’s crucial in order to maintain enough self-esteem while dating. In other words, don’t be too hard on yourself when your disorder flares up. Throughout the book, Raskin stresses the importance of separating the core of who you are from the behaviors your disorder can provoke. Learn to distinguish between you and your disorder.
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